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Nollywood filmmaker and self-proclaimed culture critic Charles Novia is speaking out about the current focus of the media on the derriere of international stars like
Kim Kardashian
, Nicki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez.
According to Charles Novia, there should
be no fuss about the international stars because African women are
naturally endowed will theirs are usually artificial. He explains that
Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez should be jealous of Mercy Johnson, Yvonne Okoro and a lot of African women – especially Yoruba women.
Read his piece below.
I know the hidden agenda of Kim Kardashian, Nikki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez. Yes, I know.
These ladies are jealous of Mercy Johnson, Yvonne Okoro and one of my female relatives in the village.
Na today real Black women don dey get Big Yansh? Why the sudden obsession with Kim Kardashian’s butt by the Western World? Ehn?
And the funny thing is, oyinbo women are now getting butt transplants while those who
can’t afford it are using butt pads, or Yansh Pads as we term it here
sometimes.
Now, this is the humour when it comes to
Nigerian and perhaps African women. When God made the African woman, he
might have taken an extra rib from Adam to bless the African women in
most parts of the continent. That is why South African women
have….(*speechless)
Narrowing it down to Nigeria and the
ethnic groups, it is debatable but research has shown that Yoruba ladies
just might have the biggest butts in Nigeria. I am likely to concur
with this because ever since I was born and all the years I was growing
up, the only images of Yoruba women I could remember from the black and
white music clips of those days and Owambe Parties, were images of some
bad ass conservative butt shaking which never got one’s parents incensed
enough to switch off the television lest we got ‘spoilt’ but would
sooner ask us to close our eyes when images of oyinbos kissing came on
the screen.
In fact, when I first watched a clip of
Fela Kuti’s stage performance in 1977 or 1978 on NTV ( as it was called
then), it wasn’t the ‘shakara, shakara’ chorus he was singing which
caught my fancy. It was the unbridled butt shaking of his dancing girls
which tormented my poor, young innocent soul for years.
Then, Charly Boy came in 1987, with his
outrageous music video, ‘Big Bottom’ and not even the morally-correct
NTA could ban it off the airwaves then even with the tempting close-ups
of women with Big Yanshes in that video. Then one lady singer called
Uche Ibeto released a video titled ‘Jigida’ where she did some
provocative butt shaking as she screamed in a simulated moan ‘ligiligi,
ligiligi, sha, sha, sha! ‘. And no one banned that video then because it
‘projected an African dance’.
Back to the meat of my story, today’s
fashion is a conspiracy to ensure that Butt-om Power will keep on
ruling. Everything with women’s fashion seems to bring out the shape of
their butts these days. And the Kim Ks and Nikki Minajs are there to
help you out, if you have any doubts.
Sadly, in Nigeria, I am told that Butt
Pads for ladies are in high demand in the market. Why? Because many
young ladies want to have butts like Kim Kardashian.
I need to ask why an African lady would want to put on artificial pads
on what has naturally been padded from heaven. Because of Kim?
Fela Kuti did sing that the African People’s problems start from the back. ‘Na from BACK yioooooo’.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate butt.
Good butt. And for those who got it among the ladies, thank God for
‘butt’ering your bread. But when butts are being used now as weapons of
distraction, Houston, we have a problem!
Why did I write this satire today? Two
days ago, at Garki 2, a young lady with well-formed hips came out of a
building and stood by the road to flag down a taxi. I tell you, Kim K
has nothing on this woman’s butt and I wasn’t looking at her o. I was
humming Tisha Cobbs ‘Break Every Chain’ when I saw her. The next thing I
knew, an SUV rammed me from behind. Gbosa!
A well-dressed young man came out and
apologised profusely as I looked at my dented rear bumper.
Whilst
apologising, he kept glancing at the young lady a few metres away.
‘Mr Man!’ I said, ‘before Yansh will
kill you, go and meet that girl and take her contacts so that you will
know that the bills you will pay for fixing my dent will be worth it!’
The Guy nor slack. He went to the Lady and a couple of minutes later, they both walked back to his SUV.
I don’t care to know what went down with
him and the endowed lass but all I know is that I have a new rear
bumper at his expense which was fixed yesterday.
Obviously that kind of person would not
care to pay for bumpers. What with the way he rammed my car from behind,
it doesn’t take much imagination to visualise the other types of
ramming he loves doing behind closed doors.
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