Charles Novia: Yoruba Ladies Just Might Have the Biggest Nyash in Nigeria

Nollywood filmmaker and self-proclaimed culture critic Charles Novia is speaking out about the current focus of the media on the derriere of international stars like

Kim Kardashian

, Nicki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez.

According to Charles Novia, there should be no fuss about the international stars because African women are naturally endowed will theirs are usually artificial. He explains that Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez should be jealous of Mercy Johnson, Yvonne Okoro and a lot of African women – especially Yoruba women.

Read his piece below.

I know the hidden agenda of Kim Kardashian, Nikki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez. Yes, I know.

These ladies are jealous of Mercy Johnson, Yvonne Okoro and one of my female relatives in the village.

Na today real Black women don dey get Big Yansh? Why the sudden obsession with Kim Kardashian’s butt by the Western World? Ehn?

And the funny thing is, oyinbo women are now getting butt transplants while those who can’t afford it are using butt pads, or Yansh Pads as we term it here sometimes.

Now, this is the humour when it comes to Nigerian and perhaps African women. When God made the African woman, he might have taken an extra rib from Adam to bless the African women in most parts of the continent. That is why South African women have….(*speechless)

Narrowing it down to Nigeria and the ethnic groups, it is debatable but research has shown that Yoruba ladies just might have the biggest butts in Nigeria. I am likely to concur with this because ever since I was born and all the years I was growing up, the only images of Yoruba women I could remember from the black and white music clips of those days and Owambe Parties, were images of some bad ass conservative butt shaking which never got one’s parents incensed enough to switch off the television lest we got ‘spoilt’ but would sooner ask us to close our eyes when images of oyinbos kissing came on the screen.

In fact, when I first watched a clip of Fela Kuti’s stage performance in 1977 or 1978 on NTV ( as it was called then), it wasn’t the ‘shakara, shakara’ chorus he was singing which caught my fancy. It was the unbridled butt shaking of his dancing girls which tormented my poor, young innocent soul for years.

Then, Charly Boy came in 1987, with his outrageous music video, ‘Big Bottom’ and not even the morally-correct NTA could ban it off the airwaves then even with the tempting close-ups of women with Big Yanshes in that video. Then one lady singer called Uche Ibeto released a video titled ‘Jigida’ where she did some provocative butt shaking as she screamed in a simulated moan ‘ligiligi, ligiligi, sha, sha, sha! ‘. And no one banned that video then because it ‘projected an African dance’.

Back to the meat of my story, today’s fashion is a conspiracy to ensure that Butt-om Power will keep on ruling. Everything with women’s fashion seems to bring out the shape of their butts these days. And the Kim Ks and Nikki Minajs are there to help you out, if you have any doubts.

Sadly, in Nigeria, I am told that Butt Pads for ladies are in high demand in the market. Why? Because many young ladies want to have butts like Kim Kardashian.

I need to ask why an African lady would want to put on artificial pads on what has naturally been padded from heaven. Because of Kim?

Fela Kuti did sing that the African People’s problems start from the back. ‘Na from BACK yioooooo’.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate butt. Good butt. And for those who got it among the ladies, thank God for ‘butt’ering your bread. But when butts are being used now as weapons of distraction, Houston, we have a problem!

Why did I write this satire today? Two days ago, at Garki 2, a young lady with well-formed hips came out of a building and stood by the road to flag down a taxi. I tell you, Kim K has nothing on this woman’s butt and I wasn’t looking at her o. I was humming Tisha Cobbs ‘Break Every Chain’ when I saw her. The next thing I knew, an SUV rammed me from behind. Gbosa!

A well-dressed young man came out and apologised profusely as I looked at my dented rear bumper. 

Whilst apologising, he kept glancing at the young lady a few metres away.

‘Mr Man!’ I said, ‘before Yansh will kill you, go and meet that girl and take her contacts so that you will know that the bills you will pay for fixing my dent will be worth it!’

The Guy nor slack. He went to the Lady and a couple of minutes later, they both walked back to his SUV.

I don’t care to know what went down with him and the endowed lass but all I know is that I have a new rear bumper at his expense which was fixed yesterday.

Obviously that kind of person would not care to pay for bumpers. What with the way he rammed my car from behind, it doesn’t take much imagination to visualise the other types of ramming he loves doing behind closed doors.