He Denies Me sex

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for just nine months and my husband is already getting tired of having sex.

Since January this year, I can count the number of times we have had sex. I have tried getting him to talk about any problem he might be having but he keeps assuring me there is nothing wrong.

But when I make the move to indicate my desire for us to make love, he shouts at me that I’m disturbing his sleep; even to cuddle me appears to be a huge problem for him. Funny enough, before we got married, we were making love frequently.

What got me bothered enough to ask for your help was what he said some few days ago when I complained. He accused me of being too interested in sex for my own good. He doesn’t even kiss me except to peck me on his way out or when he comes in.

The funny thing about all these is that he is attentive to me. He calls me even when I don’t call him during office hours; wants to do how I’m doing at any given time and talks to me about his office and friends. I know my husband sufficiently well to know he isn’t the kind that goes about acquiring girlfriends. This is why I don’t understand his disinterest in having sex with me.



I’m really confused because there is no way I can go outside my home for fun. In my culture, any woman who goes outside her marriage for sex risks losing her life or that of her husband.
Agatha, who do I tell my problem to? How does one begin to complain about sex to people? Will they also not accuse me like my husband is doing that I am oversexed? I’m so confused. My baby is seven months old. I was pregnant when we got married.

I don’t ever want to be unfaithful to my husband. Please help me.
Nehita.

Dear Nehita,
So many factors can make a man develop apathy towards sex. First and foremost, his nature; he may not be the kind of man that gets his kicks through sex. Despite what many women think, not all men have huge appetite for sex. The fact that he appeared sexually active during your courtship days doesn’t mean he has a very huge hunger for sexual pleasures.

Also it could be finance related. For instance, if he is having money related challenges, it could affect his interest in sex.  Unlike women; the average man’s desire for sex can be adversely affected by whatever challenge he is going through. A man needs maximum peace of mind to have a good hungriness for sex. This has to do with the external nature of the male anatomy which is stimulated by sight. The vision of a man with plenty of challenging issues cannot concentrate on the female body long enough to get excited. Sometimes, they remember how good a woman’s body can be but when it comes to doing the act, they lose every interest once the mind drifts to the problem nagging at his heart.

Unlike in a relationship where the woman can afford to take a walk; this is marriage which means you have to find ways of getting at the problem chewing up your husband.

And it isn’t by nagging but by being understanding and friendly.
Since you know your vows and culture forbid you from seeking sexual relieve outside your home; it behooves you then to work very hard to get the kind of sex you want from this marriage.

To avoid any point of disagreement, allow the matter rest for now. Although it can be very difficult getting sex out of the mind once it occupies a space especially as you have to sleep next to him every night but, you still have to try to be sensible about it so he doesn’t have a wrong impression about you.

Unless a man is out of love; he will always come back to the woman he loves once he is able to clear out his mind of whatever problem is biting him.

This is why you must change your tactics but not the game of getting him back into your arms. Rather than base all your questions on sex; ask him about his work; what is going on in his place of work; the management of the place; the politics within the organization and between various managers. Also ask him about his position in all these; the group he belongs to and how strong the group is when it comes to security of his job.

Sometimes, the problem may not be the obvious but the mundane things that appear unimportant but when left unattended to, could transcend the office and permeate the peace of the home.

This is why you must step out of the wife mode to be the friend he needs to unburden his mind to. If you don’t know how to begin; make up an imaginary problem affecting a friend. Tell him you are confused as to how to handle the problem this friend wants your help with.

In discussing this friend’s problem; make reference to your own office politics before zeroing on his own experiences in his office. Keep your eyes opened for the things he isn’t saying but which are bothering him.

Removing attention from him will help him open up unconsciously on his own office challenges. Sometimes men are unwilling to talk about their fears, insecurity so as not to make their wives worry about them.  It is all in line with that traditional male ego.

If the problem is with his make up as a man; then you have to find ways of stimulating his interest on those few times he wants to make love. Give him something to remember to encourage him to come back for more.

Remember, you are not aiming at quantity but quality whenever you both come together. Ensure you are prepared by giving him the total package.

Whatever cultural hang-ups you may have against certain aspect of sex, must be buried in your quest to give you and your man that something extra special in your love life. The more you are able to make him relax, overcome whatever may have instigated his lukewarm attitude to sex, the more times he would come back to you.

Therefore, you have to forget whatever he has said or would say to you in the process of weaning him of his attitude to sex. If you store any hurtful word he has said to you in your memory bank, you will never find a solution around this major challenge.

Be rest assured that we all carry secret cans in our marriages. No man or woman has it all; it is only that perfect determination to stay married that makes the burden light for us to handle.

Being a lifetime journey; you cannot afford to nag too much else you make the whole experience frightening for him and boring for you. I’m sure that isn’t your intentions.

By being understanding and gentle even in your anger, you make it possible for him to realize and appreciate the danger he is putting your marriage in if he consistently refuses to have sex with you.

Because you haven’t tried hard enough to solve the problem on your own, don’t for now report him to anybody. Rather take his case to God through prayers.

Furthermore, reporting the case to his parents or yours would only make him withdraw from you further. No man likes his sexuality exposed. But if you use your wisdom and sense of imagination to get him to realize he could lose you if he persists, it will make your home more peaceful.

To also get him to remember he is with a woman; become more sexy in your choice of outfits when you are around him; including sinfully sexy night-wears; those kinds that tell their own stories. Can you recall his favourite romantic songs? If you don’t, try to find out from his friends or him. It helps a troubled marriage to go down memory lane for inspirations on the way forward.

Even if he is having an affair; don’t give up on your marriage. You are licensed by virtue of being married to use everything that makes you a woman to lure your husband into your arms.

Only few men can resist a sex siren. Bring out all your ammunitions and use them to remind him of the basic fact that you are a woman, his wife, friend, mother of his children and his life companion.


Good luck.

Outside What Agatha advised the poor woman, do have any other advise for her?

Let hear your opinion