I really appreciate the great job you are doing, I pray the good Lord will continue to give you more wisdom.I’m 30 years old. There is this young man I met while at the university. We graduated the same year. He proposed while we were still in school and since I didn’t have feelings for him, I turned down his proposal but we remained good friends.
As friends, I always assisted him financially whenever he needed such help. That was five years ago.
On the 1st of May this year, he sent me a text message requesting I visit him. He also said he hasn’t gotten over his love for me even though he knows I don’t love him. I insisted he should be the one to visit me first if he loves me as he claims. He did.
Along the line he brought up the issue of marriage again knowing full well I had no man in my life.
After I narrated the whole story to my mother, she approved of our union even though his salary then was a little above N20,000.00.
Recently, he got a better job, and he said he would come at the end of this month for the list of requirement for the traditional marriage. But each time I think of settling down with him, questions like, will he make a good husband? Will I be happy marrying this young man? If he had a better job would he have come looking for me; keep popping up in my mind because deep down in me, I know I don’t love him, but
considering the fact that I’m not growing younger coupled with the fact that my parents are already involved, and so coming up with a change of mind might embarrass them especially as I don’t have someone else.
Agatha what do I do?
I also noticed that all my life, I have only loved a guy I met in a school where I once taught who also loved me but because of his financial status then, I refused to accept his proposal since he was yet to graduate when we met, I saw it then as a sheer waste of time waiting for him to graduate, go for his service before getting a job and I was 28years old then, done with my service, just waiting to get a good job and settle down.
Besides, I was also older than him though the age disparity never bothered him.
My worry now is if I eventually go into this marriage with this young man, will I be happy living with him or is there any tendency that I may get to develop love for him as we get to live together and won’t he turn his back on me when he eventually makes it real good?
I have always prayed to God for the discerning spirit to recognize when that special man comes, but it seems not to be and this is the main reason why I have patiently waited all these years despite pressure around me.
Agatha what do I do?
Worried Lady.
Dear worried Lady,
Don’t go into a marriage to please anybody or because everybody expects you to. This is your life and nobody but you can make such an important decision of who to spend it with.
Marriage is a life commitment. You have to be in-tune with your partner for the relationship to work in the first place.
It is either you love him now or not. It is a fallacy that love will grow in your heart for him as the years roll by. It won’t because there is nothing in your foundation of feelings to build on.
Besides you will be making a very costly mistake that will destroy both of you in the end.
Furthermore, you will be doing this man a great injustice by marrying with these kinds of thought in your heart. Trust me, given what you feel for this man, it will be almost impossible for you to accord him every respect he deserves as a man or give him the kind of peace a man needs to progress in life.
Every man needs respect, support, understanding, loyalty, friendship and prayers from his wife. As a woman you can only pray for a man you love and respect. Also, there is no way a woman can be loyal to a man she doesn’t like or want around her.
The reason you are still able to endure his presence is because you are still living apart. The moment, you two start living together, chances are, you will develop an irritation far beyond your imagination for him because you don’t love him.
Love is what makes the difference between a couple. If you go ahead with this wedding without first dealing as sincerely as possible with what you feel for him, you risk destroying not just this man but yourself in the process.
The sensible thing is to free him for that special woman who will love him enough to make him happy and fulfilled as a man who finds a wife, not just a woman, which is all you can ever be given your lack of feelings for him.
Besides, it is best to suffer disappointment now that you both aren’t married, giving you two the freedom and presence of mind to pursue other relationships than after the wedding ceremony.
Divorce isn’t a good thing. There are so many complications associated with it. Furthermore as a woman, unless the grace of God steps in, you might end up never getting a man to marry you. If single girls are finding it difficult these days to find husbands, how much more a woman who has a history of a broken marriage against her name?
There is also no way you can avoid consummating the marriage so what happens if conception occurs? The child will also suffer from your inability to face the truth concerning your feelings for him now.
Don’t forget that child had no hand in whatever decision you are refusing to make now so, won’t be fair to make a child suffer at the end of the day.
Given the experiences of your parents, they would rather face the shame of a defective relationship than have you go through a broken marriage.
Don’t worry about their embarrassment; rather be concerned for your sanity and happiness in life. Let your mother know how you feel about the man you brought home to them.
Be bold enough to admit your lack of love for him. All the other issues you raised aren’t as important as your complete lack of feelings for him. A loveless heart is the perfect brew for violence, recklessness and disloyalty to the man and marriage vows.
A time would come in this marriage when you would be disloyal and rude to him as a result of the coldness in your heart for him.
To avoid you falling into the trap of having an affair outside your home, fighting him at the slightest excuse and turning your home into a battle field, don’t allow him go beyond this point.
Call him and let him know that your feelings for him have not changed; that you cannot marry him knowing you will never be able to love him as a good woman should.
However, you also need to examine yourself very well. Although you didn’t say it, but your constant act of superiority won’t help you one bit. You need to pray for better understanding into how issues of life work. You lost the man you love to your dwarfed knowledge of life. If it isn’t too late for you to make amends, look for him, if only to free yourself and emotions to be able to love another man.
This is important if you hope to remarry and be happy in life.
You are unable to love another man because you still carry a touch for this man; you unwittingly drove out of your life.
Good luck.
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