Dear Agatha,
I married at the age of 20 and I’m currently 41 years old with six children.
My husband is 53. When we got married, I didn’t have urge for sex but since I turned 39, my sexual urge has increased. I now lust after men.
My problem now is that my husband ejaculates even before we start sex.
Please what can I do?
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
As we grow older, we acquire not just experiences but liberty to interpret our desires and needs at any given time.
What has happened is, you are no longer under fear to explode in your desires to be pleased in the bedroom.
Unfortunately, this freedom has opened your eyes to the inadequacies of your husband. At 20, you were young and naïve. You didn’t have the experience or guts to know what you wanted or desired as a woman.
The fact too that you didn’t know better made you to accept the package that came with your marriage. Back then, you thought you were the sole problem as a result of your attitude towards sex.
Now that you have come of age sexually, you have discovered that it would take much more to draw you out of your shell and give you the kind of satisfaction that you crave for.
The fact too that you and your husband have gotten to your middle ages, means your marriage needs overhauling to suit your present demands. There is no way the technique you both applied in the early days of your marriage can continue to work effectively in your middle ages.
First, you now have a more matured outlook; which means everything about you and your husband has changed dramatically. Long gone are the fears and insecurity of the early years. Especially for you, who got married at 20, your body is now demanding for the years of excitement you buried in marriage and raising a family.
With the children no longer as demanding as they were years back, you are increasingly having more time on your hands to remember you are a woman with needs of her own. The emotions you buried in your task as mother, nanny and home keeper are now coming to the fore.
To ignore them is to deny the reality and gravity of the issue at hand.
What worked perfectly for both of you then may not be so perfect anymore. This is why you are feeling this inch to have more, to enjoy yourself better. Deep down, you are feeling cheated and if care isn’t taken, you might find yourself doing things against your conscience.
Sadly, the inability of the woman at the Centre of it all to look her husband straight in the eyes to complain has led many women to go outside to find solutions that ended up boomeranging on them.
The fact too that a woman’s body reengineers itself sexually when she begins the 40 years climb, is another reason you should cry out to your husband to help you stay faithful to him.
If you take a statistic of married women having affairs, they fall within this age group.
According to a doctor friend, just like the hormones play havoc with young girls at the start of their menstrual years; the same thing applies to women approaching the menopausal years.
While some women are turned off sexually, the majority of women becoming more intense sexually. This is the time she has to be very close to her husband who she must make to understand the changes in her body.
This explains why some women go out of their homes to have affairs with younger men who have the energy to give them what they want.
A good reason you must talk as sincerely as possible with your husband. You must be able to make him understand and accept your need to be pleased by him.
You must conquer your inner fear of what he would think if you push him too hard. Honestly, given the attitude of our society to demands by women to have more sexual satisfaction from their partners, this could be a little bit tricky as he might come to the often wrong conclusions that you might have started having an affair outside your home.
It is to prevent the danger of you doing so that you need to initiate a discussion to this effect with your husband.
Sex is the most delicate aspect of marriage. The fact that you are not getting the kind of satisfaction you want exposes your marriage and emotions to; a very dangerous thing considering that such emotions could take you outside your home for solutions that will consequently destroy your years of toil.
In discussing with him, appreciate his love first. Assure him that he is the best husband and father any woman can ever have.
That if you have to do it again, you would still have him as your husband. This is to relax him and give ear to the topic you want to discuss with him.
Begin your story of lack of sexual satisfaction by painting the picture of how more and more married women are going outside their homes for sex.
Make it clear this is what you are trying to prevent by asking him to help make your love life better.
Before, you go to him, read up books on how to improve your sex life and also watch adult films to get knowledge of what you really want from him.
The reason for talking to him about it; is to get his support for all the new things you want both of you to do as a couple.
Also, by now you should be able to say if this is a new development with him or the way he has always been. If it is a new development, it could be an age thing, hence he would readily welcome your suggestions for other ways of finding sexual fulfillment.
But if it has always been like that with him, don’t expect him to immediately buy into your idea. You may have to introduce your reforms gradually like delaying the process of the actual thing until you are ready.
This you can achieve by urging his fingers and tongue to areas of your body you know are your most vulnerable zones. This is also assuming you know the areas of your body that set you on fire. If you don’t, get on it immediately as it would help your case.
You too must know the areas that make him go wild; bring back not just his old exciting memories but also his energy to take you to that special height you have never been before.
It is all a matter of you and your husband changing your attitudes to sex and its essence in your life.
Furthermore, marriage must always be overhauled; just like manufactures do with their brands from time to time. This isn’t just a matter of having sexual satisfaction; it is that of rebranding your marriage entirely.
What this has brought to fore is that you and your man aren’t communicating at all. If you both were close, are friends to each other, this matter wouldn’t have become such a bother. If you were friends, it wouldn’t even have gotten to this stage because you would have on the spur of the moment communicated your needs of each other.
It isn’t too late to start all over again. If you deal with only the sexual side, it wont last because all the other things that make for sexual harmony and compatibility must be addressed too.
Being friends alone with your spouse is enough to ignite a whole array of exciting emotions. So, give your marriage the right injection to serve you better by paying special attention to your husband, his needs, comfort and welfare. This way, you would be paving the way for your own wholesome happiness.
Good luck.
-Share a problem. With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Aunty daalu
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