“If I kill you now, who would ask of you? Who knows your family? You who hails from a lineage of fools that I married out of pity, Onwu-gbu kwaa gi (may death kill you)! My husband beats me, shouts and curses about anything and everything, draining the very essence out of my soul, my being. How can life be this difficult? He lashes out his frustrations on me, blames me for every single thing and is quick to speak ill of me in front of his family and even, church, friends and foes alike. He practically gossips about me just so that he would be termed the better person. I have lost face with members of his family, the pastor even (who sadly takes sides with him, reminding me from the altar during sermons that it is a woman’s place to submit to her husband no matter what he does. A man cannot be wrong in his own house).
Recently, he has started reporting me to even members of my own family and family acquaintances for whatever reason I do not know.
He so twists the story and portrays me as bad that besides the fact that I am not allowed to speak up for myself, I do not even have a chance to easily redeem my image if I tried.
“I’m not allowed to buy anything for myself (not as though I have all the money. He even forcefully collects every penny I have from me) because he does not just want to own me but also everything I have. You
know once, I received a cash gift from a visiting relative and he (my husband) decides to collect the money from me. It is not the fact that he wanted it but the curses I had to receive and the reminder that he owns me and so everything I will ever have belongs to him (one of the many occasions when he has had to forcefully take things from me).
“My husband is quick to remind me how that I am a woman he married with his money and has every right over me. I never believed that there was a thing as marital rape, till I experienced it. It does happen. While I do not deny my sexual obligations to him; beating, cursing and tearing my clothing to have sex despite my pains and frustration do not certainly fit into the picture of how a man should desire his wife?
What morsel of confidence and self respect do I have left when I am quickly reminded that I reason like a goat and it is as a result of foolishness my parents and some other siblings had died? If anyone should abuse and treat me in this manner, should it be my husband who should have risen in my defence? I cannot talk to the children without his saying that I am turning them against him. What have I not seen? What has he not said? His threats to batter and strip me naked in the streets have almost become an anthem (he has actually come close to doing it). How about describing to anyone who cared to listen how he is going to kill and dismember my body?”
These are the words of Nneka (real names withheld because she said her husband would kill her if he read her in the media), a 45-year-old trader in one of the popular markets in Lagos, on her ordeals in the vice-like grip of her husband. When further asked during the week why she has not sought mediation from reliable third-parties or even left the man she considers “physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abusive to the point of breaking” she lamented: “I wish I can, but he would not hear of it that I talked to someone else (not even the pastor) about it. A few people I mentioned it to asked that I endure it; that he is the man and men sometimes get like that. How about me the woman? Though the past ten years of my life (we have been married for fifteen years) has being simply hell, I cannot walk away because I have nothing to walk back to. No family (I have two surviving elder sisters in the village who cannot support me) no life, no money, nothing and who will I leave my children behind for? (We have become so scared of him that we find excuses to stay away from no matter how small the time). What will people say?” she ended, bursting into painful sobs.
Like Nneka, Lolade (real names withheld) shares a similar experience. Lolade (who resides in Lagos as well) is a graduate of Accounting` from one of the popular higher institutions of learning in the South-East region. She stopped work to get married and took to business immediately after. According to her, “I have been thoroughly abused. I have been beaten, wounded (she reveals scares on her back and thigh) and told that there is nothing I can do about it. My husband tells me that I will come to no good end and I am absolutely useless (then why would he not let me go away in peace?) I have four children for my husband and after the third, he thinks it is cool to get a neighbour’s maid pregnant, he finds it convenient to sleep around with my friends. He stopped my trade because he was protecting me from other men. God knows I will never think of cheating on my husband and I have come to terms (despite the hurt) with his philandering; but does he always have to rub it in that he has other children or threaten me with a divorce he will never grant? I am tired of being told how many other women he can comfortably get or that I am responsible for all of his misfortunes (how can I wish my husband ill?)
“My husband changes church like clothing and with every change, I have to follow him (I have come to bury my will under his for the sake of peace) but in the last church my daughter was abused by one of the leaders in the church. My daughter summons courage to share the experience and my husband beats me up for positioning her to challenge his authority and decisions. What will he not beat me up for? What kind of life and misery is this where I have to second guess every of my action for fear of assault?” she said.
Research has shown that more than two-thirds of Nigerian women are believed to experience physical, sexual and psychological abuse at the hands of their husbands. In fact, according to Stephane Mikala, Deputy Director of Amnesty International’s Africa program “on a daily basis, Nigerian women are beaten, raped and even murdered by members of their family for supposed transgressions, which can range from not having meals ready on time to visiting family members without their husband’s permission,” adding that “husbands, partners and fathers are responsible for most of the violence”.
Available statistics corroborate that 50 per cent of women have been battered by their husbands. 65 per cent of the educated women share in this experience, acknowledging that they have been beaten by their husbands, boyfriends or partner while 55 per cent of their low-income counterparts have been similarly abused. Most of them endure the abuse (like Nneka above, believing they have nowhere to go while also believing that the law will not protect them).
Its pathetic what some women go through in their marriages..in my opinion no woman should go through this physical and emotional battery..I will advice them to seek for help from relevant authorities. As for single ladies in relationship,if your boyfriend beats or abuses you in every slightest provocation" borrow leg join your own and flee".'cos when you get married its going to be hell.when a cousin's wife came to my house with swollen face and torn lips,the first question I asked was did he beat you while you were dating.she said yes but at d time it was nothing serious cos after each time he always professes undying love and that he was just trying to tame her cos she was stubborn.Thank God for my Dad's intervention who threatened to call a family meeting where he will be flogged after which he will be locked up.Till date my cousin has not laid a hand on the wife.
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